Where am I going?

Perhaps this is a question you've asked yourself as well?

After living days, months and even years in survival mode I think it is only natural to come to a point where you ask, where am I going and have I lost sight of who I am or who I want to be?  Maybe you are the person you always wanted to be but you can't see yourself through all the demands and responsibilities around you.

20 years ago, I became a mother, one of the greatest blessings in my life. In fact, this was a dream of mine for as long as I could remember. 

I was living my dream. However, a twist along the way...to be honest, with several twists along the way I found my days began to run me instead of the other way around. 

One of those twists that put me in survival mode for a couple years or more was the birth of my 3rd child. She was born with Spina Bifida, a fairly common birth defect yet one I wasn't familiar with prior to her diagnosis. Four weeks after her birth her common birth defect turned into a one in a million case and as a result our world spun an entirely different direction than we ever could have imagined.

Two years later another turn was my husband's diagnosis at the young age of 38. He had ulcers on his legs and had a medical procedure that was supposed to improve the circulation in his legs and be a game changer. Game changer it was, but not in the hoped direction. As a result of a mistake during the procedure he got a diagnosis of lymphedema in both legs, with his left leg being the worst. An incurable condition. We moved forward with the hope of maintaining the health in his legs and preventing the progression of the disease. 

Two years later... another turn, my mother and best friend was diagnosed with Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS). She was given two to four years to live and made it 22 months before she passed. Those 22 months passed too quickly and included a lot of struggles my mother fought her hardest to get through. She fought with grace and beauty.

Combining these three twists and I feel like I have had a tornado spinning around me. I have times I have felt lost and alone. I find it hard to see outside the storm because of all that is going on and all that is my load to carry. 

So when the twists throw you off balance and you aren't sure which direction you are headed. Rest assured that you can always lock your gaze on the Light of our Savior Jesus Christ for direction, comfort and hope. He can be the fixed beacon in the storms of life. A constant. And as you know where to look and focus on the light, the twists can spin and you will remain moving forward.  That is where I hope to always be going... forward.